And yea, God was like “shit I totally forgot to make people”

All right, so with the work done, God kicks back on day seven and relaxes. Well not exactly, he actually keeps working, so that seventh day rest thing that is such a big part of Judeo-Christian religions is total bullshit. Not only is he working, but he’s working on a couple things he supposedly finished a couple days ago. Verses 11 and 12 of Chapter 1 said

11 And God saith, `Let the earth yield tender grass, herb sowing seed, fruit-tree (whose seed [is] in itself) making fruit after its kind, on the earth:’ and it is so.

12 And the earth bringeth forth tender grass, herb sowing seed after its kind, and tree making fruit (whose seed [is] in itself) after its kind; and God seeth that [it is] good

But Verse 5 of Chapter 2 says

and no shrub of the field is yet in the earth, and no herb of the field yet sprouteth, for Jehovah God hath not rained upon the earth, and a man there is not to serve the ground,

So on day 3, there are all sorts of awesome plants. But on day 7, when God is allegedly chilling out, not doing anything important, he decides to water the plants that don’t exist.

But it gets stranger.

Despite creating man on Day 6, Chapter 2 Verse 7 has another creation story that is taking place on day 7, God’s extremely busy rest-day.

And Jehovah God formeth the man — dust from the ground, and breatheth into his nostrils breath of life, and the man becometh a living creature.

Then there is a bizarre section naming rivers and lands and talking about where to find gold and stones…it’s basically Tolkien with less dragons. Then god re-re-re-creates plants in verses 8 and 9. Interestingly, this version talks about a tree of life AND a tree of knowledge of good and evil, like they are two distinct plants. This might be another lost-in-translation moment, I suppose, but that raises its own issues. If the translation into English is so difficult that we can’t even tell how many magical trees are in the garden, then the whole English Bible starts to look a little shaky.

Then, for some strange reason, God decides that he wants to make the magical tree(s) EXTREMELY FUCKING DEADLY, because that’s what every peaceful garden paradise needs: trees of instant death. Speaking of that, the precise wording of the curse is bizarre: God says that if the man eats from the tree he will die “in the day of thine eating of it.” I admit I read ahead a bit but !SPOILER ALERT! the dude eats from it and doesn’t die for quite a while.

Then, God gets busy re-creating more things that are already supposed to exist. I noticed something interesting with this section, between verses 18 and 22. The typical story, promulgated exclusively by men for a few millenia, was that God sees that the man could use some help and creates a woman to do wifely stuff like cook and clean and make babies and mix martinis when he comes home from work, so he creates a woman. But the actual chronology is (1) God sees man needs some help, (2) God re-creates  beasts, and fowls, and, of course, CATTLE!, (3) God ascertains that the man still needs a helper/counterpart, THEN (4) creates woman. I just found that strange. I’m imagining the man trying on all these relationships with animals for size, and finding he would really prefer something more him-ish to pair with. You’re imagining that now too. Stop imagining it. Don’t go down that road.

So God roofies the man, yoinks a rib and then Chris Angels it into a chick, and the man essentially says “now that is something I can get down with.” No word on why he could make the man out of dust but had to make the chick out of rib.

The chapter ends by telling you that the two of them are naked, but they’re totally cool with it.

GENESIS 2

1 And the heavens and the earth are completed, and all their host;

and God completeth by the seventh day His work which He hath made, and ceaseth by the seventh day from all His work which He hath made.

And God blesseth the seventh day, and sanctifieth it, for in it He hath ceased from all His work which God had prepared for making.

These [are] births of the heavens and of the earth in their being prepared, in the day of Jehovah God’s making earth and heavens;

and no shrub of the field is yet in the earth, and no herb of the field yet sprouteth, for Jehovah God hath not rained upon the earth, and a man there is not to serve the ground,

and a mist goeth up from the earth, and hath watered the whole face of the ground.

And Jehovah God formeth the man — dust from the ground, and breatheth into his nostrils breath of life, and the man becometh a living creature.

And Jehovah God planteth a garden in Eden, at the east, and He setteth there the man whom He hath formed;

and Jehovah God causeth to sprout from the ground every tree desirable for appearance, and good for food, and the tree of life in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

10 And a river is going out from Eden to water the garden, and from thence it is parted, and hath become four chief [rivers];

11 the name of the one [is] Pison, it [is] that which is surrounding the whole land of the Havilah where the gold [is],

12 and the gold of that land [is] good, there [is] the bdolach and the shoham stone;

13 and the name of the second river [is] Gibon, it [is] that which is surrounding the whole land of Cush;

14 and the name of the third river [is] Hiddekel, it [is] that which is going east of Asshur; and the fourth river is Phrat.

15 And Jehovah God taketh the man, and causeth him to rest in the garden of Eden, to serve it, and to keep it.

16 And Jehovah God layeth a charge on the man, saying, `Of every tree of the garden eating thou dost eat;

17 and of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, thou dost not eat of it, for in the day of thine eating of it — dying thou dost die.’

18 And Jehovah God saith, `Not good for the man to be alone, I do make to him an helper — as his counterpart.’

19 And Jehovah God formeth from the ground every beast of the field, and every fowl of the heavens, and bringeth in unto the man, to see what he doth call it; and whatever the man calleth a living creature, that [is] its name.

20 And the man calleth names to all the cattle, and to fowl of the heavens, and to every beast of the field; and to man hath not been found an helper — as his counterpart.

21 And Jehovah God causeth a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he sleepeth, and He taketh one of his ribs, and closeth up flesh in its stead.

22 And Jehovah God buildeth up the rib which He hath taken out of the man into a woman, and bringeth her in unto the man;

23 and the man saith, `This [is] the [proper] step! bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh!’ for this it is called Woman, for from a man hath this been taken;

24 therefore doth a man leave his father and his mother, and hath cleaved unto his wife, and they have become one flesh.

25 And they are both of them naked, the man and his wife, and they are not ashamed of themselves.

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