Good News Everyone!

Boom goes the dynamite! This chapter starts out sexy with the yet-to-be-named man giving it to Eve. Nothing gets you over a shaming by the almighty like getting bizzay. Catholic girls around the world are familiar with that phenomenon. The honeymoon is over soon, though, because Eve gets knocked up twice, first Cain, then Abel. The boys instantly grow to farming age, and specialize in veggies and animals, respectively. The two bring God some presents, and God hates veggies and metaphorically shits all over Cain’s offering, because it is not the thought that counts, it’s how fucking awesome the gift is, because God is a three year-old that WANTED THE BLUE GAME BOY NOT THE RED ONE!

Anyway, God, who is supposed to know everything, has to ask Cain why his dickishness made Cain sad. I have no fucking clue what verse seven means, but it must be bad because in verse eight Cain murders his brother in the field. As they say, that escalated quickly. God, who, again, is supposed to know everything, asks Cain where Abel is, and Cain lies to him. Thankfully, Sherlock Jehovah figures out that Cain is dead from the giant puddle of blood on the ground. Then, God resorts to his favorite interaction so far with his creation: cursing them roundly. His curse kind of sucks, though, because he just says that he’s going to make it harder to farm from now on and that Cain can’t settle down in one spot, which for some reason Cain thinks is the worst thing ever. Interestingly, he also says he’s afraid that everyone who finds him wandering will try to kill him, even though the world population just dropped 25% and is at a grand total of three, including himself.

God’s punishment turns out to be bullshit again because Cain immediately settles down and builds a city and starts building a family with his wife, who really should not exist since the total number of women on Earth at that point is one, and that is his mother. We then flash forward six generations of populating the family tree with guys with really stupid names who have special skills: harp- and organ-playing, making brass and iron. Truly strange details.

Then it gets bizarre again, after these six generations and details about how many wives these clowns have, suddenly we have:

25 And Adam again knoweth his wife, and she beareth a son, and calleth his name Seth, `for God hath appointed for me another seed instead of Abel:’ for Cain had slain him.

There are a number of problems with this. First, this is the very first time the name Adam has been mentioned. Previously, the original man was just “the man” and the woman was Eve. Now we have a man named Adam and an unnamed woman “his wife.” Given we’ve already heard about men taking multiple wives, I think it is wrong to assume that Adam is knocking up Eve at this point, since she has generally gone by name. Second, how do we know that this person called Adam was the original man? The only hint is that “God hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel.” The assumption is that this makes him the original man, but it’s far from definitive. Also, consider that this Adam character would have to be sexually active six generations down the line. If my math is correct, this infant Seth would be the  the great-great-great-great-great uncle of Adam’s son Cain. Since we’re playing with fuzzy Bible math, let’s say there is only 18 years separation between generations. That would make Seth ninety years younger than his great-great-great-great-great grand-nephew. That’s some Philip J. Fry shit.
Great Great Great Great Great Nephew Uncle

The chapter ends with Seth having a kid and, basically, the nominal beginning of the religion of “Jehovah.”


1 And the man knew Eve his wife, and she conceiveth and beareth Cain, and saith, `I have gotten a man by Jehovah;’

and she addeth to bear his brother, even Abel. And Abel is feeding a flock, and Cain hath been servant of the ground.

And it cometh to pass at the end of days that Cain bringeth from the fruit of the ground a present to Jehovah;

and Abel, he hath brought, he also, from the female firstlings of his flock, even from their fat ones; and Jehovah looketh unto Abel and unto his present,

and unto Cain and unto his present He hath not looked; and it is very displeasing to Cain, and his countenance is fallen.

And Jehovah saith unto Cain, `Why hast thou displeasure? and why hath thy countenance fallen?

Is there not, if thou dost well, acceptance? and if thou dost not well, at the opening a sin-offering is crouching, and unto thee its desire, and thou rulest over it.’

And Cain saith unto Abel his brother, [`Let us go into the field;’] and it cometh to pass in their being in the field, that Cain riseth up against Abel his brother, and slayeth him.

And Jehovah saith unto Cain, `Where [is] Abel thy brother?’ and he saith, `I have not known; my brother’s keeper — I?’

10 And He saith, `What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood is crying unto Me from the ground;

11 and now, cursed [art] thou from the ground, which hath opened her mouth to receive the blood of thy brother from thy hand;

12 when thou tillest the ground, it doth not add to give its strength to thee — a wanderer, even a trembling one, thou art in the earth.’

13 And Cain saith unto Jehovah, `Greater is my punishment than to be borne;

14 lo, Thou hast driven me to-day from off the face of the ground, and from Thy face I am hid; and I have been a wanderer, even a trembling one, in the earth, and it hath been — every one finding me doth slay me.’

15 And Jehovah saith to him, `Therefore — of any slayer of Cain sevenfold it is required;’ and Jehovah setteth to Cain a token that none finding him doth slay him.

16 And Cain goeth out from before Jehovah, and dwelleth in the land, moving about east of Eden;

17 and Cain knoweth his wife, and she conceiveth, and beareth Enoch; and he is building a city, and he calleth the name of the city, according to the name of his son — Enoch.

18 And born to Enoch is Irad; and Irad hath begotten Mehujael; and Mehujael hath begotten Methusael; and Methusael hath begotten Lamech.

19 And Lamech taketh to himself two wives, the name of the one Adah, and the name of the second Zillah.

20 And Adah beareth Jabal, he hath been father of those inhabiting tents and purchased possessions;

21 and the name of his brother [is] Jubal, he hath been father of every one handling harp and organ.

22 And Zillah she also bare Tubal-Cain, an instructor of every artificer in brass and iron; and a sister of Tubal-Cain [is] Naamah.

23 And Lamech saith to his wives: — `Adah and Zillah, hear my voice; Wives of Lamech, give ear [to] my saying: For a man I have slain for my wound, Even a young man for my hurt;

24 For sevenfold is required for Cain, And for Lamech seventy and sevenfold.’

25 And Adam again knoweth his wife, and she beareth a son, and calleth his name Seth, `for God hath appointed for me another seed instead of Abel:’ for Cain had slain him.

26 And to Seth, to him also a son hath been born, and he calleth his name Enos; then a beginning was made of preaching in the name of Jehovah.


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