Our oldest ancestor was a drunken ass-hat

After the disembarking and ritual slaughter/extinction, God tells Noah to get down to biz-nasty and repopulate the Earth. He uses the exact same words he told Adam and Eve, in fact, without any clarification like “don’t fuck demons and angels anymore,” which is what apparently motivated the destruction of almost all creation. He tells them animals are going to be afraid of them now (probably because they burned them to death to celebrate their not dying in the flood). They can eat animals, but they can’t eat them alive or bloody. Doomed to a life of well-done meats. That’s pretty harsh. God also gives them “the green herb.” So we have a divine right to toke up. He tells them not to kill each other, or they will be killed. God’s reasoning for this death penalty is strange and self-centered, he says basically that homicide justifies corporal punishment because God made man in his image. Not because it is intrinsically morally wrong but because it’s insulting to God because the homicide victim reminds him of himself (verse 6).

He reminds them to start porking again. Maybe he’s starting to rethink killing everyone except for one family. He makes a covenant with Noah and his descendants not to kill everyone on Earth again. Well, not by a flood anyway. He appears to reserve the right to destroy the whole Earth and all creation in any other way he pleases.

Now it gets weird. Noah plants a vineyard, makes wine, gets drunk and passes out naked in his tent. Hilariously, one of his sons sees this, and gets the other sons and they “cover the nakedness of their father; and their faces are backward, and their father’s nakedness they have not seen.” (Verse 23). Some 600 year old men just can’t handle their liquor. For some reason, when he wakes up from his drunk nap, he curses the hell out of Canaan, his grandson, dooming him to be a servant to his brothers for all time. What the fuck?

Then Noah dies at 950 years old. An old drunk asshole, and our distant relative, if you believe this shit.


1 And God blesseth Noah, and his sons, and saith to them, `Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth;

and your fear and your dread is on every beast of the earth, and on every fowl of the heavens, on all that creepeth on the ground, and on all fishes of the sea — into your hand they have been given.

Every creeping thing that is alive, to you it is for food; as the green herb I have given to you the whole;

only flesh in its life — its blood — ye do not eat.

`And only your blood for your lives do I require; from the hand of every living thing I require it, and from the hand of man, from the hand of every man’s brother I require the life of man;

whoso sheddeth man’s blood, by man is his blood shed: for in the image of God hath He made man.

And ye, be fruitful and multiply, teem in the earth, and multiply in it.’

And God speaketh unto Noah, and unto his sons with him, saying,

`And I, lo, I am establishing My covenant with you, and with your seed after you,

10 and with every living creature which [is] with you, among fowl, among cattle, and among every beast of the earth with you, from all who are going out of the ark — to every beast of the earth.

11 And I have established My covenant with you, and all flesh is not any more cut off by waters of a deluge, and there is not any more a deluge to destroy the earth.’

12 And God saith, `This is a token of the covenant which I am giving between Me and you, and every living creature that [is] with you, to generations age-during;

13 My bow I have given in the cloud, and it hath been for a token of a covenant between Me and the earth;

14 and it hath come to pass (in My sending a cloud over the earth) that the bow hath been seen in the cloud,

15 and I have remembered My covenant which is between Me and you, and every living creature among all flesh, and the waters become no more a deluge to destroy all flesh;

16 and the bow hath been in the cloud, and I have seen it — to remember the covenant age-during between God and every living creature among all flesh which [is] on the earth.’

17 And God saith unto Noah, `This [is] a token of the covenant which I have established between Me and all flesh that [is] upon the earth.’

18 And the sons of Noah who are going out of the ark are Shem, and Ham, and Japheth; and Ham is father of Canaan.

19 These three [are] sons of Noah, and from these hath all the earth been overspread.

20 And Noah remaineth a man of the ground, and planteth a vineyard,

21 and drinketh of the wine, and is drunken, and uncovereth himself in the midst of the tent.

22 And Ham, father of Canaan, seeth the nakedness of his father, and declareth to his two brethren without.

23 And Shem taketh — Japheth also — the garment, and they place on the shoulder of them both, and go backward, and cover the nakedness of their father; and their faces [are] backward, and their father’s nakedness they have not seen.

24 And Noah awaketh from his wine, and knoweth that which his young son hath done to him,

25 and saith: `Cursed [is] Canaan, Servant of servants he is to his brethren.’

26 And he saith: `Blessed of Jehovah my God [is] Shem, And Canaan is servant to him.

27 God doth give beauty to Japheth, And he dwelleth in tents of Shem, And Canaan is servant to him.’

28 And Noah liveth after the deluge three hundred and fifty years;

29 and all the days of Noah are nine hundred and fifty years, and he dieth.


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