God: “Covenant…covenant, hmmm. Ohh thaaaat covenant.”

Exodus 2 starts with some questionable mothering.  An unnamed Hebrew woman gives birth to a child and hides him for three months, at which point she can no longer hide him. Her solution? She puts him in a lil’ baby boat and floats him down the river. What the fuck is that? She can’t guarantee her child’s safety so she puts him in a homemade fucking boat and throws him in the river? She clearly has no idea what his fate will be in the river. She just posts her daughter to watch “what is done to him.” What’s the best case reasonable scenario? He starves instead of drowning? He has a nice quick death by asp-bite or crocodile? Whenever something this nonsensical happens, it fairly screams “fictional” to me (even in the context of the rest of this obviously concocted book). I can’t imagine any mother doing this to her child.

Naturally, since this bullshit is all made up, the child doesn’t fall victim to what his fate would have been in real life, but is rescued by a magical princess. Seriously, this is shamelessly sloppy Disney fiction.

And a daughter of Pharaoh cometh down to bathe at the River, and her damsels are walking by the side of the River, and she seeth the ark in the midst of the weeds, and sendeth her handmaid, and she taketh it,

and openeth, and seeth him — the lad, and lo, a child weeping! and she hath pity on him, and saith, `This is [one] of the Hebrews’ children.’

The baby’s sister, apparently still watching, goes to Pharaoh’s daughter and offers to find her a suitable Hebrew mother to take care of the child. This is a fairly obvious scam, but apparently the princess is not sharp enough to catch on that there a recently pregnant, still nursing woman just happens to show up right after a baby appears in the river. This is what I mean when I say I don’t even like the Bible as a work of fiction. It’s still unbelievable and artificial, even after I’ve suspended my disbelief. Oh, also, here’s another example of someone being rewarded for dishonesty.

At some point, when the kid is weaned, they drop him back off with the Princess and leave him there to raise as her son. She names him Moses. It’s not clear why they bring him back and give him to the princess even though everybody knows he’s Hebrew.  You’d think they would either kill him or let him be. He gets a big chip on his shoulder as he grows up, when he notices that his people (apparently he’s aware of his lineage) are basically enslaved and mistreated. He sees an Egyptian beating a Hebrew and kills him. The next day, he’s back out joyriding, or whatever it is that occupies him, and confronts two Hebrews who are beating each other. One of the shitheads responds, basically, “Who made you boss over us? Are you going to kill me like you killed that Egyptian?”

All of the sudden, it becomes an open secret, and Pharaoh is calling for Moses’ head. It’s unclear why a prince of Egypt would not have the prerogative to kill anyone he wanted in a lower caste, especially a laborer who barely outranks the slaves he’s overseeing. Well he doesn’t, and his solution is to run like a bitch.

He flees to Midian, and jumps right into bed with a woman. The Bible is not big on artful transitions. Basically, he is in hiding and comes across some women trying to water their flocks who are being harassed by some shepherds. He drives away the shepherds and helps the chicks with their flocks, for which their father gives away one of his daughters. Seems like a steep price, unless you’re the Bible and woman are essentially worthless. Wells are the fucking singles bar of the ancient world. By the way, I wonder if “watering flocks” is a euphemism.

Anyway, he gets right to bizznasty with his chick and knocks her up. Meanwhile, God (whom we have not heard about for dozens of chapters and who has been absent for hundreds of years) “heareth the groaning” of the Hebrews who are being treated like shit, and “remembereth his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob.” Had he fucking forgotten it? What the fuck was he doing for the last ten generations? Stupid.

EXODUS 2

1 And there goeth a man of the house of Levi, and he taketh the daughter of Levi,

and the woman conceiveth, and beareth a son, and she seeth him that he [is] fair, and she hideth him three months,

and she hath not been able any more to hide him, and she taketh for him an ark of rushes, and daubeth it with bitumen and with pitch, and putteth the lad in it, and putteth [it] in the weeds by the edge of the River;

and his sister stationeth herself afar off, to know what is done to him.

And a daughter of Pharaoh cometh down to bathe at the River, and her damsels are walking by the side of the River, and she seeth the ark in the midst of the weeds, and sendeth her handmaid, and she taketh it,

and openeth, and seeth him — the lad, and lo, a child weeping! and she hath pity on him, and saith, `This is [one] of the Hebrews’ children.’

And his sister saith unto the daughter of Pharaoh, `Do I go? when I have called for thee a suckling woman of the Hebrews, then she doth suckle the lad for thee;’

and the daughter of Pharaoh saith to her, `Go;’ and the virgin goeth, and calleth the mother of the lad,

and the daughter of Pharaoh saith to her, `Take this lad away, and suckle him for me, and I — I give thy hire;’ and the woman taketh the lad, and suckleth him.

10 And the lad groweth, and she bringeth him in to the daughter of Pharaoh, and he is to her for a son, and she calleth his name Moses, and saith, `Because — from the water I have drawn him.’

11 And it cometh to pass, in those days, that Moses is grown, and he goeth out unto his brethren, and looketh on their burdens, and seeth a man, an Egyptian, smiting a man, a Hebrew, [one] of his brethren,

12 and he turneth hither and thither, and seeth that there is no man, and smiteth the Egyptian, and hideth him in the sand.

13 And he goeth out on the second day, and lo, two men, Hebrews, striving! and he saith to the wrong-doer, `Why dost thou smite thy neighbour?’

14 and he saith, `Who set thee for a head and a judge over us? to slay me art thou saying [it], as thou hast slain the Egyptian?’ and Moses feareth, and saith, `Surely the thing hath been known.’

15 And Pharaoh heareth of this thing, and seeketh to slay Moses, and Moses fleeth from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelleth in the land of Midian, and dwelleth by the well.

16 And to a priest of Midian [are] seven daughters, and they come and draw, and fill the troughs, to water the flock of their father,

17 and the shepherds come and drive them away, and Moses ariseth, and saveth them, and watereth their flock.

18 And they come in to Reuel their father, and he saith, `Wherefore have ye hastened to come in to-day?’

19 and they say, `A man, an Egyptian, hath delivered us out of the hand of the shepherds, and also hath diligently drawn for us, and watereth the flock;’

20 and he saith unto his daughters, `And where [is] he? why [is] this? — ye left the man! call for him, and he doth eat bread.’

21 And Moses is willing to dwell with the man, and he giveth Zipporah his daughter to Moses,

22 and she beareth a son, and he calleth his name Gershom, for he said, `A sojourner I have been in a strange land.’

23 And it cometh to pass during these many days, that the king of Egypt dieth, and the sons of Israel sigh because of the service, and cry, and their cry goeth up unto God, because of the service;

24 and God heareth their groaning, and God remembereth His covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob;

25 and God seeth the sons of Israel, and God knoweth.

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