Angry god? Smear some baby dick-blood on your feet. Presto, happy god. This is your bible people.

This chapter starts right in the middle of Moses’ conversation with God (or his messenger) inside the burning bush. Literally, in the middle of it. The first words are “And Moses answereth.” That’s some shoddy chapterizing there. Moses continues his awkward conversation with God, and it veers into the bizarre. After Moses expresses his skepticism again that the people will believe that he talked with THE Jehovah, God performs a magic trick (I’m sorry, illusion) in which he turns Moses’ rod into a snake. Wow, thanks Jafar, I mean, Almighty God. Why don’t you use your magic fucking powers to do something useful, like rescue the fucking people yourself? Also, why does he have to ask what is in Moses’ hand? Isn’t he supposed to know that, along with everything else in the universe?

I think God is missing the point. Moses is worried that people won’t believe him, that he lacks credibility, so God gives him a private showing of a stupid little party trick. How does that lend him any ethos whatsoever? God’s not done being a magician though, he’s having too much fun with balloon animals. He performs another illusion where he gives Moses leprosy. He really is an asshole. Supposedly infinitely powerful, yet his amazing deeds on Earth consists of giving a guy a communicable disease. If God is not opposed to intervening in human affairs and performing supernatural deeds on Earth, why the fuck doesn’t he just go liberate people himself? Instead of fulfilling his end of the covenant he made ten times, he is playing games like a child burning an ant with a magnifying glass, and putting the onus back on humans to carry the burden of getting their reward. He promised them the land of milk and honey, now he’s making them beg for it and jump through hoops. Ridiculous.

Moses is still skeptical after all this, and reluctant to bring the message to the Hebrews. While he’s usually painted as a doubting Thomas, he seems to have a very healthy, accurate view of Jehovah. He probably thinks there’s a decent possibility that even if he delivers the message, God will not deliver on the promise. It’s a very pragmatic and justifiable approach given Jehovah’s track record.

God is completely unsympathetic though, and apparently holds a very inaccurate idea of himself as trustworthy and reliable, despite never having done a damn thing for anyone to which he made promises. His anger “burneth against Moses” (his one consistent character trait) and he decides to send Moses’ brother Aaron with Moses. Maybe he was pissed because he realized he was wrong and a human was right, again. When Moses finally acquiesces, God has some more disturbing information. He tells Moses that he will “strengthen” Pharaoh’s heart when Moses asks for the Hebrews’ freedom, so that God can show off and use his magical powers to kill people. I haven’t found any more objectionable morals in existence than this: God is going to cause someone to do something, and then punish him for it. Not only that, he is going to direct Pharaoh’s hand and then kill all the male first-born children for it. How can this perverse morality ever be defended? It’s reprehensible and inexplicable. If Pharaoh made a choice with his own free will and was punished for it, then OK, I can understand it. Perhaps I don’t agree with a death sentence, or the fact that it is visited upon people who didn’t make the free choice that led to the punishment, but I can accept the choice > consequence syllogism. What I cannot accept is that God is removing free will, and then punishing Pharaoh for a “decision” that God himself made. That is absolutely indefensible.

Then, as has become my consistent refrain, it gets weird.

24 And it cometh to pass in the way, in a lodging place, that Jehovah meeteth him, and seeketh to put him to death;

25 and Zipporah taketh a flint, and cutteth off the foreskin of her son, and causeth [it] to touch his feet, and saith, `Surely a bridegroom of blood [art] thou to me;’

26 and He desisteth from him: then she said, `A bridegroom of blood,’ in reference to the circumcision.

After finally talking Moses into going, and after Moses has hit the road, albeit reluctantly, God the fucking highway bandit decides to kill him. Let me bullet the ways this is bizarre:

  • God is a person again? Walking around like a regular human, intercepting people at meeting houses?
  • God changed his mind? Isn’t that be impossible? If he knows everything and is perfect, then he can never make a decision that he later regrets or reconsiders. He has perfect knowledge and perfect reasoning. It makes no sense.
  • Why is the all-powerful God poking around a hotel looking for Moses? Doesn’t he know exactly where he is and have the ability to strike him down remotely?
  • How the fuck does Moses’ wife know what God is up to? Did God tell her he was going to kill Moses? Did she guess? Did she just bump into an angry god at the waffle machine in the lobby?
  • Gross, just gross. Woman grabs son’s penis, cuts it, and ritualistically marries the child’s father to him by smearing the kid’s dickblood on his feet? Jesus fucking Christ that’s barbaric and nonsensical.

What the literal fuck is wrong with this book. How is anyone religious when this shit exists in the Bible? Unbelievable. Simply inconceivable.


And Moses answereth and saith, `And, if they do not give credence to me, nor hearken to my voice, and say, Jehovah hath not appeared unto thee?’

And Jehovah saith unto him, `What [is] this in thy hand?’ and he saith, `A rod;’

and He saith, `Cast it to the earth;’ and he casteth it to the earth, and it becometh a serpent — and Moses fleeth from its presence.

And Jehovah saith unto Moses, `Put forth thy hand, and lay hold on the tail of it;’ and he putteth forth his hand, and layeth hold on it, and it becometh a rod in his hand —

`– so that they believe that Jehovah, God of their fathers, hath appeared unto thee, God of Abraham, God of Isaac, and God of Jacob.’

And Jehovah saith to him again, `Put in, I pray thee, thy hand into thy bosom;’ and he putteth in his hand into his bosom, and he bringeth it out, and lo, his hand [is] leprous as snow;

and He saith, `Put back thy hand unto thy bosom;’ and he putteth back his hand unto his bosom, and he bringeth it out from his bosom, and lo, it hath turned back as his flesh —

`– and it hath come to pass, if they do not give credence to thee, and hearken not to the voice of the first sign, that they have given credence to the voice of the latter sign.

`And it hath come to pass, if they do not give credence even to these two signs, nor hearken to thy voice, that thou hast taken of the waters of the River, and hast poured on the dry land, and the waters which thou takest from the River have been, yea, they have become — blood on the dry land.’

10 And Moses saith unto Jehovah, `O, my Lord, I [am] not a man of words, either yesterday, or before, or since Thy speaking unto Thy servant, for I [am] slow of mouth, and slow of tongue.’

11 And Jehovah saith unto him, `Who appointed a mouth for man? or who appointeth the dumb, or deaf, or open, or blind? is it not I, Jehovah?

12 and now, go, and I — I am with thy mouth, and have directed thee that which thou speakest;’

13 and he saith, `O, my Lord, send, I pray thee, by the hand Thou dost send.’

14 And the anger of Jehovah burneth against Moses, and He saith, `Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I have known that he speaketh well, and also, lo, he is coming out to meet thee; when he hath seen thee, then he hath rejoiced in his heart,

15 and thou hast spoken unto him, and hast set the words in his mouth, and I — I am with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and have directed you that which ye do;

16 and he, he hath spoken for thee unto the people, and it hath come to pass, he — he is to thee for a mouth, and thou — thou art to him for God;

17 and this rod thou dost take in thy hand, with which thou doest the signs.’

18 And Moses goeth and turneth back unto Jethro his father-in-law, and saith to him, `Let me go, I pray thee, and I turn back unto my brethren who [are] in Egypt, and I see whether they are yet alive.’ And Jethro saith to Moses, `Go in peace.’

19 And Jehovah saith unto Moses in Midian, `Go, turn back to Egypt, for all the men have died who seek thy life;’

20 and Moses taketh his wife, and his sons, and causeth them to ride on the ass, and turneth back to the land of Egypt, and Moses taketh the rod of God in his hand.

21 And Jehovah saith unto Moses, `In thy going to turn back to Egypt, see — all the wonders which I have put in thy hand — that thou hast done them before Pharaoh, and I — I strengthen his heart, and he doth not send the people away;

22 and thou hast said unto Pharaoh, Thus said Jehovah, My son, My first-born [is] Israel,

23 and I say unto thee, Send away My son, and he doth serve Me; and — thou dost refuse to send him away — lo, I am slaying thy son, thy first-born.’

24 And it cometh to pass in the way, in a lodging place, that Jehovah meeteth him, and seeketh to put him to death;

25 and Zipporah taketh a flint, and cutteth off the foreskin of her son, and causeth [it] to touch his feet, and saith, `Surely a bridegroom of blood [art] thou to me;’

26 and He desisteth from him: then she said, `A bridegroom of blood,’ in reference to the circumcision.

27 And Jehovah saith unto Aaron, `Go to meet Moses into the wilderness;’ and he goeth, and meeteth him in the mount of God, and kisseth him,

28 and Moses declareth to Aaron all the words of Jehovah with which He hath sent him, and all the signs with which He hath charged him.

29 And Moses goeth — Aaron also — and they gather all the elders of the sons of Israel,

30 and Aaron speaketh all the words which Jehovah hath spoken unto Moses, and doth the signs before the eyes of the people;

31 and the people believe when they hear that Jehovah hath looked after the sons of Israel, and that He hath seen their affliction; and they bow and do obeisance.


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