Fuck Jehovah.

Well, God is a racist. In Chapter 11, he fires up his smiting machine and, through the slaughter of every first-born child, sends the message that “Jehovah doth make a separation between the Egyptians and Israel.” It’s such a wonderfully inclusive and peaceful religion.

He’s not classist though; he kills babies whether they are noblemen or “the first-born of the maid-servant who is behind the millstones.” Because slave women are responsible for the Jews captivity, right? Oh, and for good measure, he kills the first-born puppies, kittens, bunnies, and all the other super-evil cute baby animals whose blood is required to send the message of Jehovah’s “wonders in the land of Egypt.”

Just to add a little pizzazz to this already heartwarming story, the Jews also rob and pillage their Egyptian neighbors of their valuables before they leave, so a bunch of poor and childless victims of a maniacal sociopath’s ego-trip tirade will be the Jews’ legacy in Egypt. Pretty wonderful stuff. God certainly is great.


1 And Jehovah saith unto Moses, `One plague more I do bring in on Pharaoh, and on Egypt, afterwards he doth send you away from this; when he is sending you away, he surely casteth you out altogether from this [place];

speak, I pray thee, in the ears of the people, and they ask — each man from his neighbour, and each woman from her neighbour, vessels of silver, and vessels of gold.’

And Jehovah giveth the grace of the people in the eyes of the Egyptians; also the man Moses [is] very great in the land of Egypt, in the eyes of the servants of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of the people.

And Moses saith, `Thus said Jehovah, About midnight I am going out into the midst of Egypt,

and every first-born in the land of Egypt hath died, from the first-born of Pharaoh who is sitting on his throne, unto the first-born of the maid-servant who [is] behind the millstones, and all the first-born of beasts;

and there hath been a great cry in all the land of Egypt, such as there hath not been, and such as there is not again.

`And against all the sons of Israel a dog sharpeneth not its tongue, from man even unto beast, so that ye know that Jehovah doth make a separation between the Egyptians and Israel;

and all these thy servants have come down unto me, and bowed themselves to me, saying, Go out, thou and all the people who [are] at thy feet; and afterwards I do go out;’ — and he goeth out from Pharaoh in the heat of anger.

And Jehovah saith unto Moses, `Pharaoh doth not hearken unto you, so as to multiply My wonders in the land of Egypt;’

10 and Moses and Aaron have done all these wonders before Pharaoh, and Jehovah strengtheneth Pharaoh’s heart, and he hath not sent the sons of Israel out of his land.


3 thoughts on “Fuck Jehovah.

  1. You are taking the Bible literally just like any evangelical Christian who says God created the Universe in 6, 24 hour days.

    It’s no wonder the Bible sounds absurd to you.

    It is highly recommended that atheists look at the Bible allegorically as a rule of thumb. That is, look at what Pharaoh represents (the evil of unbounded tyranny). Look at the evil of slavery and how it deforms the human spirit. Look at the high cost and upkeep of liberty. Take a good look at human nature.

    All of those issues concern themselves with social justice, a subject you said you love very much.

    When I first read Homer’s Iliad as a high school student, I took it literally and thought it was stupid. “Who in their right mind would go to war or destroy themselves over a stupid woman, no matter how beautiful she was?” I thought.

    But later in life I revisited that great work as an allegory and saw how it explained a great deal of my life.

    The Bible is a book of wisdom.

    • I’ve said before and I’ll say it again: I find the Bible ridiculous as a literal text, but I do not like it metaphorically or allegorically either. You’ve advanced the typical excuse made for the Bible’s racist, sexist, homophobic, violent, and contradictory content “Oh don’t read that literally, that’s a metaphor for this or for that.” Well is Jesus Christ a metaphor then or is he real? Is Satan real or a metaphor? God? Angels? What qualifies anyone to parse out the metaphor from the literal? What makes you think any of it is factual?

      Even if you say it’s metaphorical, its values are questionable at best and reprehensible at worst. You say Pharaoh represents “the evils of unbounded tyranny.” Well God seems like more of a tyrant to me in this case. What did Pharaoh do? He refused to let a specific ethnic group leave to go worship as they wanted. OK, that’s pretty bad, I’m a fan of freedom of religion, even though I don’t subscribe to any of them. What did God do? He tortured women, children, animals, innocents all to make a point about “his wonders” and satisfy his vanity. He’s a fucking savage asshole, that’s the lesson I took from that story. Tell me how the innocent Egyptians deserved to be punished by proxy for the acts of one unelected man (who, by the way, was being controlled by God the whole time who “hardened his heart”).

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