Passover: The Glorious Festival of Vagisil and Indiscriminate Homicide

Gird your loins bitches! It’s God’s first official annual holiday, and it is a doozy. Get your sneakers on, throw on your coat, slaughter a baby lamb, gorge yourself on its entrails, and smear its blood on your door frame, IT’S PASSOVER!

You’re going to be cowering in terror while you scarf this feast because Jehovah himself is going to fly over Egypt like a goddamn Predator drone smiting every single first-born child. Also, animals, even though he has already killed the firstborn animals twice already.

Also, interestingly, there is a clear polytheistic remnant: Jehovah also seems to acknowledge the existence of other gods by asserting his dominance over them. This isn’t a metaphor, either–that Jehovah is asserting his position as one true god and metaphorically “killing” off rivals–it’s as literal as the dead babies and animals:

12 and I have passed over through the land of Egypt during this night, and have smitten every first-born in the land of Egypt, from man even unto beast, and on all the gods of Egypt I do judgments; I [am] Jehovah.

Religious adherents often point to the big three religions as the the inventors of monotheism, but this is another clue that while these religions may have eventually ended up as “one true god” religions, they didn’t start that way. They began in a world where snakes can talk, Pharaoh’s sorcerers can perform real magic, and Jehovah has to purge Egypt of rival gods. You know, Hogwarts.

Although the blood on the door is the principle talisman to protect their houses from the bloodthirsty rampaging Jehovah, there were some other ways they could offend the omniscient god of the universe and invite a massacre in their home. For example, it anybody ate yeast for the first week of passover, they were to be “cut off from Israel.” God fucking hates yeast and goes on a multi-verse tirade against it. Don’t eat yeast, don’t look at yeast, don’t fucking think about yeast.

18 `In the first [month], in the fourteenth day of the month, in the evening, ye do eat unleavened things until the one and twentieth day of the month, at evening;

19 seven days leaven is not found in your houses, for any [one] eating anything fermented — that person hath been cut off from the company of Israel, among the sojourners or among the natives of the land;

20 anything fermented ye do not eat, in all your dwellings ye do eat unleavened things.’

Seriously, don’t fucking eat any yeast.

After the lecture is over. God gets down to the good part, the killing:

29 And it cometh to pass, at midnight, that Jehovah hath smitten every first-born in the land of Egypt, from the first-born of Pharaoh who is sitting on his throne, unto the first-born of the captive who [is] in the prison-house, and every first-born of beasts.

I’m sure that guy in the dungeon, who could not possibly know about the rules laid down by Jehovah let alone comply with them, deserved the death of his first-born child.

And that brings me to another bit of inanity in this whole story. This isn’t the 21st century, where Moses can hit up his tweeple and Facebook friends and rely on social media virulence to spread the news. How the fuck would he pass along those rather significant instructions to literally every single Israelite? Let’s pretend this book is nonfiction again and look at the banality. Every single Israelite without fail, would need to get this message. Unless god is satisfied with substantial compliance, and unconcerned about the people who never get the message. This is a tribal culture of loosely connected people who can’t read and can probably converse with their donkeys better than other people, and we are supposed to accept that every single one of them got the message in time to smear blood on their door. How fucking impossibly stupid is that? You have to assume (if this were real) that some people were out taking a shit when Moses knocked on their door and so their kid ends up dead, or that Moses didn’t have an inventory of every single Israelite in Egypt and took a “meh, I think I warned enough of them” approach, then God killed the shit out of their family. It’s really fucking stupid, but that is basically the same story as Christianity later when Jesus comes along and whether or not you’ve heard the good news, or even if you are a fucking dead baby, you’re still going to burn in hell forever and ever because you didn’t hear the good news about Jesus fucking Christ.

After this wonderful night of death that is still remembered fondly to this day, the Israelites pack up their shit, steal their neighbors’ shit (who are probably still crying over the body of their dead babies), and head out of town. Verse 37 claims that there were 600,000 men and their families and flocks (who, remember, Moses was able to warn individually about the midnight massacre. Right.) who head outta town, and that they had lived in Egypt for 430 years. So more than a million Israelites lived in Egypt for over 400 years and they didn’t leave a trace of their presence there to support any kind of historicity of this silly book.

The chapter ends with a fizzle again, with a list of instructions about how to eat the passover feast in the future. The merciful god of creation makes sure you know that foreigners can’t eat the Passover feast but your slaves can eat it, but only after you ritually cut their penises.

43 And Jehovah saith unto Moses and Aaron, `This [is] a statute of the passover; Any son of a stranger doth not eat of it;

44 and any man’s servant, the purchase of money, when thou hast circumcised him — then he doth eat of it;

Hahahaha. Seriously, how do people base their lives on this shit?

EXODUS 12

1 And Jehovah speaketh unto Moses and unto Aaron, in the land of Egypt, saying,

`This month [is] to you the chief of months — it [is] the first to you of the months of the year;

speak ye unto all the company of Israel, saying, In the tenth of this month — they take to them each man a lamb for the house of the fathers, a lamb for a house.

`(And if the household be too few for a lamb, then hath he taken, he and his neighbour who is near unto his house, for the number of persons, each according to his eating ye do count for the lamb,)

a lamb, a perfect one, a male, a son of a year, let be to you; from the sheep or from the goats ye do take [it].

`And it hath become a charge to you, until the fourteenth day of this month, and the whole assembly of the company of Israel have slaughtered it between the evenings;

and they have taken of the blood, and have put on the two side-posts, and on the lintel over the houses in which they eat it.

`And they have eaten the flesh in this night, roast with fire; with unleavened things and bitters they do eat it;

ye do not eat of it raw, or boiled at all in water, but roast with fire, its head with its legs, and with its inwards;

10 and ye do not leave of it till morning, and that which is remaining of it till morning with fire ye do burn.

11 `And thus ye do eat it: your loins girded, your sandals on your feet, and your staff in your hand, and ye have eaten it in haste; it is Jehovah’s passover,

12 and I have passed over through the land of Egypt during this night, and have smitten every first-born in the land of Egypt, from man even unto beast, and on all the gods of Egypt I do judgments; I [am] Jehovah.

13 `And the blood hath become a sign for you on the houses where ye [are], and I have seen the blood, and have passed over you, and a plague is not on you for destruction in My smiting in the land of Egypt.

14 `And this day hath become to you a memorial, and ye have kept it a feast to Jehovah to your generations; — a statute age-during; ye keep it a feast.

15 Seven days ye eat unleavened things; only — in the first day ye cause leaven to cease out of your houses; for any one eating anything fermented from the first day till the seventh day, even that person hath been cut off from Israel.

16 `And in the first day [is] a holy convocation, and in the seventh day ye have a holy convocation; any work is not done in them, only that which is eaten by any person — it alone is done by you,

17 and ye have observed the unleavened things, for in this self-same day I have brought out your hosts from the land of Egypt, and ye have observed this day to your generations — a statute age-during.

18 `In the first [month], in the fourteenth day of the month, in the evening, ye do eat unleavened things until the one and twentieth day of the month, at evening;

19 seven days leaven is not found in your houses, for any [one] eating anything fermented — that person hath been cut off from the company of Israel, among the sojourners or among the natives of the land;

20 anything fermented ye do not eat, in all your dwellings ye do eat unleavened things.’

21 And Moses calleth for all the elders of Israel, and saith unto them, `Draw out and take for yourselves [from] the flock, for your families, and slaughter the passover-sacrifice;

22 and ye have taken a bunch of hyssop, and have dipped [it] in the blood which [is] in the basin, and have struck [it] on the lintel, and on the two side-posts, from the blood which [is] in the basin, and ye, ye go not out each from the opening of his house till morning.

23 `And Jehovah hath passed on to smite the Egyptians, and hath seen the blood on the lintel, and on the two side-posts, and Jehovah hath passed over the opening, and doth not permit the destruction to come into your houses to smite.

24 `And ye have observed this thing, for a statute to thee, and to thy sons — unto the age;

25 and it hath been, when ye come in unto the land which Jehovah giveth to you, as He hath spoken, that ye have kept this service;

26 and it hath come to pass when your sons say unto you, What [is] this service ye have?

27 that ye have said, A sacrifice of passover it [is] to Jehovah, who passed over the houses of the sons of Israel in Egypt, in His smiting the Egyptians, and our houses He delivered.’

28 And the people bow and do obeisance, and the sons of Israel go and do as Jehovah commanded Moses and Aaron; so have they done.

29 And it cometh to pass, at midnight, that Jehovah hath smitten every first-born in the land of Egypt, from the first-born of Pharaoh who is sitting on his throne, unto the first-born of the captive who [is] in the prison-house, and every first-born of beasts.

30 And Pharaoh riseth by night, he and all his servants, and all the Egyptians, and there is a great cry in Egypt, for there is not a house where there is not [one] dead,

31 and he calleth for Moses and for Aaron by night, and saith, `Rise, go out from the midst of my people, both ye and the sons of Israel, and go, serve Jehovah according to your word;

32 both your flock and your herd take ye, as ye have spoken, and go; then ye have blessed also me.’

33 And the Egyptians are urgent on the people, hasting to send them away out of the land, for they said, `We are all dead;’

34 and the people taketh up its dough before it is fermented, their kneading-troughs [are] bound up in their garments on their shoulder.

35 And the sons of Israel have done according to the word of Moses, and they ask from the Egyptians vessels of silver and vessels of gold, and garments;

36 and Jehovah hath given the grace of the people in the eyes of the Egyptians, and they cause them to ask, and they spoil the Egyptians.

37 And the sons of Israel journey from Rameses to Succoth, about six hundred thousand men on foot, apart from infants;

38 and a great rabble also hath gone up with them, and flock and herd — very much cattle.

39 And they bake with the dough which they have brought out from Egypt unleavened cakes, for it hath not fermented; for they have been cast out of Egypt, and have not been able to delay, and also provision they have not made for themselves.

40 And the dwelling of the sons of Israel which they have dwelt in Egypt [is] four hundred and thirty years;

41 and it cometh to pass, at the end of four hundred and thirty years — yea, it cometh to pass in this self-same day — all the hosts of Jehovah have gone out from the land of Egypt.

42 A night of watchings it [is] to Jehovah, to bring them out from the land of Egypt; it [is] this night to Jehovah of watchings to all the sons of Israel to their generations.

43 And Jehovah saith unto Moses and Aaron, `This [is] a statute of the passover; Any son of a stranger doth not eat of it;

44 and any man’s servant, the purchase of money, when thou hast circumcised him — then he doth eat of it;

45 a settler or hired servant doth not eat of it;

46 in one house it is eaten, thou dost not carry out of the house [any] of the flesh without, and a bone ye do not break of it;

47 all the company of Israel do keep it.

48 `And when a sojourner sojourneth with thee, and hath made a passover to Jehovah, every male of his [is] to be circumcised, and then he doth come near to keep it, and he hath been as a native of the land, but any uncircumcised one doth not eat of it;

49 one law is to a native, and to a sojourner who is sojourning in your midst.’

50 And all the sons of Israel do as Jehovah commanded Moses and Aaron; so have they done.

51 And it cometh to pass in this self-same day, Jehovah hath brought out the sons of Israel from the land of Egypt, by their hosts.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Passover: The Glorious Festival of Vagisil and Indiscriminate Homicide

  1. When you think about it, if they were slaves, a gathering of 600K or even smaller would have been known to the authorities and as such the Egyptians would have known of the impending massacre and painted their doors too and evaded the killing. It is difficult to believe the BS in the bible when you apply just a little common sense to the stories

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s